Fastfood Living
Something’s wrong...
I hate this way;
Western Civilization,
Fast food lives, Virgin sacrifices. Pain and poison anchor heaven to earth,
It’s those monkeys denial.
Validation breathing tar,
Working class complaints, idealising icons of artificial value,
marketed on the cover of a thirty second testimonial.
Fast food victims of speed-life demands
Lack of language
Lack of thought
Somatic fuckers diseased by the viral dollar
Comfortably rotting, stumbling and vomiting
Irate and howling at the violation of their self-destruction
Phase over survival dreams
Graves dug in apathy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Sorry, but I have to agree with Via and Cade on this one. I think this piece has a great deal of emotion, and if you could just channel it into a more poetic, less list-like poem, it would be amazing.
There are good "list" poems, ones that were effective and good. Here's one I just read in my AP English class yesterday. I deals with America too, maybe not in the same way though.
http://www.poetryoutloud.org/poems/poem.html?id=175888
I really agree with Cade on this one. It's just a list of things you hate...but there really isn't any "life" to the poem--assuming that makes any sense at all.
What the reader really needs is something to hook onto. What this is is a list of things you hate...but there is nothing to contradict it at all so...why should the reader care about the things you hate? What difference does it make? Poem make a statement, rather big or small, but always a statement. Not just a list!
Happy Editing!
i like it...it said something about monkeys!
This poem strikes me as a bunch of abstract concepts and very angry words all thrown together.
It doesn't strike me as poetry. It seems like you took some sort of an I-hate-society rant and put it in teen-angst-poem format. It doesn't really work. I'm all for social criticism, but you've got to do it well. This sort of babbles when it should tell a story or describe an image. It completely lacks subtlety, which is also important.
Next time, try to write in complete sentences and whisper, don't scream.
-Colleen